39 Days till Shelby

Karmic backlash.

I have been able to avoid most negative karma by acting more of a fool towards the vehicle of karmic backlash for years or just by simply dodging the bullet. This in turn built up more stored negative karma. Now that I have decided to abandon my eclectic approach to purification and actually dedicate myself to one path, the way, I am having to control my developed coping reactions when I notice the backlash of stored negative karma.

Last night karma hit me from two angles with a bystander enjoying the show. I actually recognized the situation as backlash for past negative actions and attitudes (karmic backlash) from previous years toward those two vehicles (the two angles). I noticed my usual coping reaction start to well up (being louder or crueler than my opponent). Before I went full blown into stifling the negative karmic instances through my usual coping mechanisms I slowly stood up and calmly walked away allowing karma to manifest in my absence.

I figure, more than likely, because I walked away in the middle of an instance of karmic backlash that it did not get the opportunity to fully discharge so there will probably be residual energy left for later.

Pride is so hard to tame when it has been left to manifest as it will when it will. Seriously, this is not going to be easy. Father grant me the strength and patience to handle the karmic flood coming my way, LOL...

The more serious one is about getting on a right path, the harder negative forces work to knock one off. I used to view those negative force as the devil, LOL... a metaphysical entity that hired demons to slap or tempt people into submission. Now I realize that while meandering between good and bad, while just going with the flow I had developed many bad habits and through deceit and coercion I have stored negative karma. Due to my continuance on and off the path by means of convenience I had avoided releasing stored negative karma while enjoying the benefits of the the positive karma I had developed along the way. There is a major imbalance in my karmic storehouse.

When we stop dodging and fighting the backlash of negative karma it hits us in waves and it seems as if we are being attacked by actual evil forces. Since we are taught that evil is manifested in negative action by physical or metaphysical sources we naturally blame evil forces or evil people when most times the negative forces we are dealing with are the negative karma we ourselves store up during our lifetimes.

Karmic backlash.

Remember, perspective is everything when viewing life

Peace and compassion

40 Days till Shelby

Monday.

I have absolutely no motivation on Mondays. This symptom is worsened after three day weekends.

Word of the day- Intoxicants.

I spent all night dreaming about Meth. Watching all those documentaries on the drug war, drug use, then there are the Montana Meth ads... it was a long night.

Which brings me to the prevailing thought of the day.

But first, below are the ten grave precepts;

Affirm life; Do not kill

Be giving; Do not steal

Honor the body; Do not misuse sexuality

Manifest truth; Do not lie

Proceed clearly; Do not cloud the mind

See the perfection; Do not speak of others errors and faults

Realize self and others as one; Do not elevate the self and fault others

Give generously; Do not be withholding

Actualize harmony; Do not be angry

Experience the intimacy of things; Do not defile the Three Treasures

The three treasures;

the Buddha (enlightened self)

the Dharma (sacred teachings)

the Sangha (group of enlightened ones)

The main precept I have issues with is proceed clearly, do not cloud the mind.

Not from a substance abuse standpoint, but from an intellectual standpoint. Movies that alter mood in a negative manner, music that does same are the focal points. I truly appreciate sincere creativity, such as the movie "Donnie Darko". We watched this last night. It was very well written and presented very artistically. I connected with the main character and story line in the sense of Donnie's view of the world from a social perspective. I am not nearly as dark or narcissistic as the main character, but I understood how someone could have gone in that direction internally.

Then, after a walk outside, Berdy and I watched the documentary American Meth (which probably brought on the night of Meth dreams).

After Donnie Darko was over, my mood was sullen- and still is this morning- which affords me the perspective on intoxicants I am working to adopt, but still have not fully accepted. Berdy and I have had conversations in the past regarding music and movie's effects on mood and attitude. I am addicted to visual and auditory art. Dark dramas and dark techno/ triphop and industrial music tend to really grab my attention. When I can feel what the artist is portraying I get hooked for the ride and strap in with every available sense.

Anyway, I realize I need to avoid all mood altering vehicles to fully capacitate the path to perfection. Where is the line though? I can easily avoid drugs and alcohol. But don't all forms of entertainment have an effect on us? Personal interaction also effects our mood. Work, play, kids, spouses, friends. I suppose I should end that which causes me anger only?

I read that we are to avoid what was possible to avoid at first...

I could avoid it all, but am I willing to burden the cost? No

To gain the complete advantages of a path one must follow the path fully. So do only monks gain true enlightenment?

I am not a monk and don't foresee becoming a monk in the near future.

I am going to assume I am overthinking this and proceed with the path. I will avoid physical intoxicants and entertainment venues I know negatively alter mood such as horror films and hate music.

Vision- a monk in the woods, following breathe, building chi.

If the eye causes one to sin, is it better to gauge out the eye than to give into temptation? I hope not.

Peace and compassion- it's Monday yo!

43 Days till Shelby

Been watching documentaries on the drug trade, drug wars and drug use over the past few days so this has been the predominant subject rolling around in the vastness of my mind.

I have always been personally against drug use. Not sure why or what the source for my adamant motivation against drug use is though. From the time I had the opportunity to form a personal opinion on drugs and drug use, I have been against the use of drugs and haven't had much interest in other intoxicants either. I have had an occasional drink in social situations, but am not interested in intoxicants overall. My giving in is a display of my weakness towards social pressure. I have heard it said that you can't trust someone who doesn't drink, I guess we all must be partners in crime.

I have noticed that when I mention my distaste of drug use the pro-drug advocates I know come out semi-swinging. It will be interesting to see how the future will play out when the motivation to not participate in recreational use has abated with regard to those i associate with. I do not want to live with that element of society and would distance myself from that lifestyle if elements of that lifestyle crept into my living space in the sense that I was not able to separate my daily life from drugs or drug users.

It disgusts me, literally. I view this as silly at times, but the idea of drug use actually makes me queasy and nauseous. For those who choose that lifestyle, I fully understand it is their choice and I am fine with people indulging in the use of intoxicants, but I just don't want to be around it or live with it.

Drug use is comparable to pornography to me. I don't judge others for their sexual preferences, but I don't want to be present while porn is on, I don't want to hang out in the triple X theater, go to peep shows, watch strippers, have sex with multiple partners or swing. People that are into loose sexual behavior or drugs- have at it, just have the decency to recognize that other people may find it personally offensive. Porn, sexual promiscuity and drugs fall into the same categories of social activity to me and I have no interest in any of the above. I view them all as equally destructive behaviors. I understand those who participate in drug use and loose sexual activity/ porn don't agree with this perspective, so to each his or her own. As long as your drug use and/ or sexual activities do not adversely affect my or my children's lives than have at it. Just don't expect me to jump on your bandwagon or be supportive of your choices or hang with you while you do your thing. Don't expect me to live with it either.

I have noticed my lack of a social circle due to my adversity to drugs, drunkenness and what I consider lewd sexual behavior. I understand the vastness of those who see things differently than I do based on the groves of people who hang out in bars, strip clubs, and 420 events. I don't think those who choose those lifestyles are bad people and I don't contemplate why they choose what they do. I do wonder if my choices are of truth, or based on authoritative hype, but these thoughts are wondering thoughts and not anything static.

I do feel like I am on a deserted island though. It gets lonely out here by (seemingly) myself. Even my best friend and I do not see eye to eye on all of the above issues. Surely there are others who's views are like my own, I just have yet to find anyone. I have met those who profess the same morals in public, but then fail the reality test.

So, another day almost done, another chance for a new beginning

Peace and compassion

45 Days till Shelby

How to blog, unplanned, unscripted?

No care for the entertainment value of my words.

Quite frankly, I have learned over the years of half-assed blogging and posting on news/ social websites that people, in general don't give a flying shit about what I or anyone actually has to say. Everyone just wants to be heard, to have their own fucked up perspectives immortalized and justified by those around them. "Love me!!!!" the weak majority screams!

So here i am. Me, no sugar coating, no ready whip with a big luscious efing cherry on top (stem included for aesthetic purposes only). Ok, me with the fuckin cherry dangling by it's stem from my capped front toofs.

Maraschino cherries rock, just not in large quantities. It is true, deniers be damned.

I am a soldier, a husband, a father, a brother, an employee, a tenent, a member of a social group, a student, and last, but never least a child of God. Secondary; a leader, a follower, a winner, a loser, a fighter and a flyter.

The military. As a member of our armed forces I am a very small part of a very large working whole. I represent honor, strength and integrity. This is my contribution to the community of which i abide, the assessment of my value as a citizen aside from the taxes I reluctantly pay to pad the pockets of our thieving and despicable leaders. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. So really it isn't their fault, for they are merely human, right? Then again, our lowliest soldier is held to a much higher moral standard than the assholes who send him or her into war, hooah sirs. Have a drink in your ivory towers on us, the liberation machine. Don't choke or drown though, please, for we need you to procreate so that your seed can further rape the masses for generations to come while informing us of your important contributions to the society of which you exploit.

College education. My avoidance of the accrual of student loans due to the lowly economic status I was born into and my escape from idiocy and Alzheimer's in my elder years. I will always be a student, it was engraved in my psyche many years ago by Socrates or Plato? I have read so much by so many and taken what rang true while discarding the BS, that to differentiate between who said what isn't a worthy endeavor. Never an important aspect of learning for me for I would rather attain the wisdom of concepts, than to merely display three or four syllable words lacking understanding to better represent the institutions of higher learning. Look like a dumbass, be as wise as a sage I always say.

5 years of bible college and I am on the Buddhist path to purify my mind, my body. I have always felt a natural bent for the Buddhist path, that I can remember anyway. The only influence I can recall from memory was a taoist philosophy book I picked up after I had been in the Navy for a short while. I also studied psychology to better fuck with those who attempted to fuck with me. To better engage in any endeavor one should become overly knowledgeable on the subject matter at hand. This instills confidence and better arms the participant with the ability to wage a tactically and technically proficient attack on his or her opponents.

Enough with the cynical side.

On a lighter note, I love being a soldier, a husband, a father and a student. An employee, not so much, but the bills getting paid every once in a while is a necessity, right?

No other institution on Earth provides the comradeship that the military does. I feel so much more comfortable around the disciplined, than the unruly masses. I love the uniform, the equipment, the smell of gunpowder and MREs.

I am the luckiest man I know with the wife I was blessed to marry and the children I have been blessed to partake in raising. My wife and kids rock, seriously. The family I was born into isn't worth the shit paper they blow their noses on, but my wife and kids? Cooler than ready whip.

At some point I hope to vomit the bad and leave only the good. For hatred is a wasted emotion with no purpose other than to make one look as a fool pissing into the wind. Cynicism is a waste of intellect and breathe, but does have it's entertainment value now doesn't it.

Compassion is the most important attribute of the follower of the way, for a heart filled with compassion empowers the mind to bestow blessings of love and goodwill to the world, thereby producing good karma for all to partake.

The prevailing thought on my mind;

I honestly never thought I would actually go to war as a citizen soldier. I desired the experience as a young man for war is a major player in the history of the human race. War has always been with us and soldiers are on the front lines of societal change. Only a select few have the balls to experience the horrors, the triumphs, the adrenaline soaked power of true purposeful, justified destructive force (though, war is never justified when there is the possibility of diplomacy, only a moraless maniac would choose war as the first and only option). I have never wanted to kill, don't get me wrong. Hell, as I mature in age the idea of having to kill as a cost for experiencing war seems less and less attractive as time goes on. I only pray my time in the war zone as a soldier is a time met with opportunities for humanitarianism and not direct combat. Hope for the best and plan for the worst, no matter the mission a soldier is always 11B. We will watch each other's backs with eyes wide open, no doubt.

This is all for now.

peace and compassion